Are You Being Bullied by Your Mind?


Your Inner Bully

by Julie Kraft, LMFT

You may think you are too old to get picked on, but chances are there is a genuine bully in your life. I am referring to that voice that says you’re worthless. You’re pathetic. You will never be loved. That voice is the bully inside of your mind. You may have tried to drown it with alcohol, tranquilize it with drugs, or hide from it in any number of ways, but it doesn’t work. In recovery, you have to find ways to handle your Inner Bully. So what can you do?

Step 1: Catch your Bully in the act! Chances are your own Inner Bully has often been flying under the radar: making you feel sad or stressed, pushing you to do your addictive behavior, and lowering your self-esteem all without getting caught. Your first task is to notice when your Inner Bully is talking to you. Bring awareness and attention to what your mind is up to.

Step 2: Know you are not alone. The Inner Bully picks on everyone, no matter how seemingly strong, attractive, or successful they may be. In working with addicts and alcoholics, I know their bullies can be the biggest, meanest buggers in the bunch. Hang in there and know you are not the only one with thoughts like these!

Step 3: Handle your Bully. Just like a regular bully, the Inner Bully can be handled in many ways. You may pick one or a combination of the options below.

       Option A: Tell a Teacher. This is another way of saying get some help. You don’t need to address your Bully all by yourself! Tell a friend, your sponsor, or a family member what your mind is getting up to today. Share about it at a 12-step meeting. Better yet, tell a counselor or a therapist. Take the power away from your Bully by getting some support!

       Option B: Fight Back. Stand up to your Inner Bully! Tell it: leave me alone, back off, stop that. Tell your Inner Bully you have no interest in what it has to say. Pipe down, I’m busy. Better yet, give it all the reasons it is wrong. This is an excellent exercise to do in your journal: write down whatever your Bully is taunting you with at the top of the page, then use the rest of the page (or many pages) to explain why it is wrong. You may agree with some of what your Inner Bully is saying to you, but for this exercise only write about the ways you disagree. Use examples to back up your argument. It is time to chime in against that big bully once and for all!

       Option C: Walk Away (with Love). This does not mean trying to ignore your Inner Bully while it goes on tormenting you. Think of Option C as “C is for Compassion.” When you notice your Bully getting louder, pause, take a deep breath, and offer some compassion to the situation. Wow, you sure are angry today. That must be exhausting. Chances are your Bully is responding to some kind of fear. And as cheesy as it sounds, fear fades in the face of love. Bring your focused attention back to love and compassion for yourself in that moment. You may be amazed by how quickly your Inner Bully calms down!

No matter what you choose to do about your Inner Bully, remember that recovery is a journey. Sometimes your Bully may be loud and cruel, other times quiet, but no matter what he is up to you can continue moving forward, one step at a time.